Rules and laws
by Ellstra
Summary: „Because it's forbidden. And I can't love you when I'm not allowed to." Bucky has always been Steve's best and only friend. And maybe they felt otherwise about each other. But when it was pronounced, when the secret was revealed, they could not erase the differences and obstacles it placed between them. Or could they?
1. Chapter 1

_**Uhm, okay. So I don't know how this fic happened, because I wanted to write something entirely different (like for a different fandom), but my muse wanted this, obviously. So please, enjoy and let me know what you think.**_

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Steve Rogers swallowed a droplet of his own blood that gathered on his lower lip. He blew another punch towards the guy who attacked him and more with luck than aim he didn't miss. The other guy stumbled backwards for a while and wiped his cheekbone. Steve caught his breath, steadied himself and prepared for another fight. The other man's eyes shone with hatred and blind fury. Steve wanted to smirk because of how stupid the latter was, but his face was too swollen to let him produce any facial expressions.

„What do you think you are, you little shit?!" the attacker growled and tried to hit Steve who dodged aside only a moment before he could get hit. He tried to strike the other man with his elbow, but he didn't calculate well and his arm went through air.

„I'll get ya!" the attacker snarled and leant into another punch with all his might. Steve might have been smarter, braver and sober, but he couldn't do anything with a body twice as heavy as his. Huge fist hit his lower stomach hard and he gasped in surprise. His abdomen throbbed with pain and he covered it with his hands. Another punch found his face and he felt his skin tear above his eyebrow. Steve curled and that saved him from a knock to his stomach. Instead, his ribcage shook under hit of another painful, strong punch. He stumbled and before he regained his balance, he stepped into a hole in the road and tripped. He fell down and gasped for breath.

„Learn your lesson, you son of a bitch," the stout attacker gnarled and spat at Steve who curled into a ball in expectation of another punch or kick. Instead the man burst into a fit of laughter, obviously satisfied with himself and turned around. Such long and complicated speech had worn him out so he staggered away and giggled from time to time.

Steve moaned as he rolled on his stomach and pulled himself on his knees. He spat some blood on the concrete underneath and closed his eyes for a while. His head hurt and the blood from his torn forehead creeped into his mouth. All his insides burnt as if he'd just drank a glass of gasoline and swallowed a blazing candle. He forced his eyelids to raise and stood up with effort. He walked, slowly and with pain in every fiber and he hoped he could make it to Bucky's flat before he fainted.

From time to time he leant against a house or lamp, but finally he reached his destination. He raised his arm and more with his memory than sight searched for the right buton to ring the bell. He pressed it and fell on the other side of the door. After some time, his best friend appeared in the doorway.

„Steve! What have you – Nevermind. Just come on inside, we'll fix you up." Bucky exclaimed and caught Steve who collapsed into his arms and remained there gratefully. Bucky half dragged, half carried Steve into his flat where he laid his friend on the couch.

Steve recognized the familiar cushion and tried to smile. He'd recovered from many fight-injuries on this couch and he would do it again. With Bucky, he was safe. Bucky's place was nice and comfortable and reminded him of the house he and his mother had lived in when he was a little child.

In the meantime, Bucky got some towels and a bucket of warm water because he didn't have any better container. It was kind of their inside joke, even though Bucky wasn't overly happy when he had to pull the bucket out of a drawer beneath a wash-basin in his bathroom. He carried all he needed to the living room and kneeled down beside Steve who forced his eyes to open.

„Another guy who needed to be taught a lesson?" Bucky asked and wiped the blood from the right side of Steve's face, rinsed and *wringged* out the towel. Rogers watched his own blood swirling in the water. When Bucky washed Steve's face, he spotted the long wound above Steve's right eyebrow and he frowned.

„This will need stitches. It'd be better if we got you into a hospital-" Steve shook his head – „I know, nobody can find out you're getting into fights. I'll sew it up." Bucky sighed and went to get something to fix Steve's face. He sat down, pulled some thread through the eye of a needle and gave his friend a pitiful smile.

„You know it's gonna hurt, right?" he asked and jabbed the needle into Steve's skin as the latter nodded. Rogers tried to remain calm and silent while Bucky tried to work quickly and well at once. When he tied the last knot and cut the thread off, Steve let out a shaky breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. Bucky smirked.

„You know, I could've made it much more painful if I wanted," he pointed out and Steve gave him a lopsided smile as one side of his face refused to move. Bucky's careful fingers dwelled on Steve's cheek for a little longer before letting go. It made Steve's heart twitch.

„I'll take the shirt off to see what happened to your stomach since you're holding it so firm, okay?" Bucky asked gently and moved his hands down to the buttons of Steve's shirt. He'd always received persmission to do what he asked and he felt a bit guilty and ashamed for not telling Steve the whole truth. It was necessary to take Steve's shirt off to examine his injuries, Bucky kept convincing himself.

„It hurts," Steve whimpered and Bucky bit his lip before he pulled his friend's hands from their tight grip. He hated when he had to see Steve like this.

„I know. I'll try to make it quick, okay?" Bucky felt his fingers were trembling when he used them to unbutton Steve's shirt. The shorter man just nodded and tried to be brave. Bucky pulled the front side of the shirt from Steve's chest and he sighed. His friend looked so fragile and all the bruises just proved it. Bucky probed each of Steve's ribs and found out that neither of them was broken with relief. He couldn't do anything with the dark bruises already forming of his friend's pale form.

„I'll bring you a glass of water before we continue with this, okay?" Bucky stood up. Steve nodded and tried not to reach or call for the other man. The former went to the kitchen and poured a glass of water for himself before refilling it. He returned to the living room and knelt down again.

„I need you to sit up so I can have a look on your back," Bucky said and Steve started to lift himself up. Bucky helped him and slowly took the shirt off his shorter friend before giving him the water.

„Well, you've been through worse. You'll be alright. I think," Bucky said uncertainly and Steve lay down again. His eyes felt heavy and he fought urge to yawn.

„That's good," he mumbled and rested the glass on his stomach. It was cool and he felt comfortable just lying there beside Bucky. The latter wasn't that pleased with the situation, though.

„Hell, Steve, don't you realise how awfully selfish you are?" he spat suddenly and glared at Steve who gave him a puzzled look.

„Don't you dare look at me like this! You think I'll forgive you as always just because of your innocent blue eyes, right? Well, not now." Bucky stood up and paced through the room like a lion in a cage. Steve put a lot of effort into sitting up. He thought that he may have understood what Bucky meant if only his head stopped spinning.

„Bucky, I don't-" he started but his friend stopped him.

„No you don't. Of course not!" he yelled and went close to Steve. „You have no idea what it does to me every time you come here beaten into pulp and I have to take care of you."

„Well, you don't have to take care of me," Steve responded and even though he tried to sound angry, he felt hurt when he said those words. Of course Bucky didn't have to nurse him. But Steve hoped that Bucky might have been doing it because he liked him.

„That's not the point. Besides, if I didn't, who'd sew your forehead tonight, hm?" Bucky let the answer linger in the air for some time to make Steve feel sufficiently bad. „You don't realise what you mean to me, do you?"

Steve stared blankly at his friend whose expression softened. They watched each other for some time and Bucky gave up and knelt down again. He sat down on his heels and took Steve's hands into his, giving them some of his body warmth.

„Steve, you can't do this to me. I don't want to command you or tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but I can't stand this anymore. Don't you know how difficult it is for me?" Bucky whispered, his sight never leaving Steve's hands.

„I don't – didn't…" Steve babbled, „I'm sorry, Bucky."

„Don't be. Just promise me to never do this to me again." The kneeling man said and lifted his eyes towards Steve's.

„I won't. I promise." Steve replied solemnly.

„Good." Bucky sighed. „Good. I wouldn't want to lose you."

„Neither would I. And I won't allow that to happen." Steve said and squeezed Bucky's hands.

„Steve I… I like you." Bucky confessed and draw himself closer the other man.

„And I like you, Bucky, you're my best friend." Steve said, perplexed why his friend made such a deal of it.

„No… I mean, I really do like you, more than a friend…" Bucky's cheeks flushed and he leant even closer to Steve.

„Oh," Steve responded. That was all encouragement Bucky needed. He bridged all the distance between their faces and stopped right before Steve's face. His big bright eyes were shining and full of expectation and curiosity. Bucky brushed his lips against Steve's and waited. The latter didn't react, he just sat there, rigid and motionless. When he wasn't immediately slapped in the face or yelled at, Bucky kissed Steve once more, this time letting his mouth pressed against the other's for a little longer. Rogers yet didn't move, but his heart did – his heartbeat was so fast and strong it was very palpable even in just his hands. Bucky hoped it was a good sign. He disentagled his right hand from Steve's grip and placed it on the latter's neck and pulled him closer. Steve – as if suddenly waken up from trance – kissed back clumsily. Bucky's heart skipped a beat.

He placed his other palm on Steve's shoulder, careful not to hurt his friend. He nipped at Steve's lower lip gently, but backed away immediately. He didn't want to scare the other man. Steve took Bucky's shirt into his hands and pulled up, much to astonishment of both. Bucky obeyed his will and crawled up onto the couch and sat on Steve's lap, bending his legs on either side of Rogers. Steve's eyes flew opened and stared at Bucky as if searching for help. The latter smiled and kissed him gently on the forehead. That calmed Steve down a bit and he let Bucky take control over the situation. Their mouths met again and now the kiss was more lustful than before. Steve didn't cease to feel scared of how much he wanted to touch Bucky and be touched in response, but his friend kept reassuring him and convincing him that what they were doing was right.

But deep down, he knew it wasn't. It had nothing to do with Bucky, because Bucky was perfect and Steve wanted him to kiss every single inch of his body. The problem was that even if Bucky was perfect and Steve wanted nothing more than him, he couldn't want him, he wasn't allowed to. Steve knew that what they were doing was forbidden and wrong. But if it was wrong, why did it feel so good? Steve moaned into their kiss as Bucky's fingers trailed down his back. They both shivered at the sound, froze for a moment and began kissing with even more passion and eagerness than before. Steve felt something waking in his chest and stomach and suddenly he knew that no matter how alluring it was, he couldn't let it wake. If he did, he would be lost forever.

But it felt like fighting against himself. Bucky's hands on his back were warm and he felt safe. His body hurt from the fight, but it didn't matter because Bucky was there to heal him. His body wanted to be embraced and held and it didn't matter what anybody else would think because it was only between Bucky and himself. But it was forbidden. It was a law and how could he break a law? It was tempting and darkly seductive, but Steve knew better than to break rules.

So why did it seem like his body was made for Bucky's? Why did he feel happy when he pulled their bodies closer and allowed Bucky's tongue to invade his mouth? Was anybody testing him, for some reason? Steve didn't want to know that. He just wanted to get rid of the spark in his chest – it could either die or develop into an inferno and burn him. But he hated the state in between. As his fingers trembled because of how overwhelmed he felt, as his heart beat fast in his chest and Bucky was all over his body, he knew he had to kill the spark and let it just glow inside of him. He hated himself for it, but what could he do? He wasn't going to break laws.

„Bucky, stop. Please," he mumbled and pulled away. Bucky let go of him immediately.

„Sorry. Did I hurt you? Are you in pain?" He asked and tried to see through the sadness in Steve's eyes.

„No, you didn't hurt me. And I do care deeply for you, Bucky. I love you. I love you in a way I shouldn't love you and it hurts me that I can't give you what you want." Steve whispered and even though he wanted to remove his fingers from Bucky's back, he was very reluctant. He knew this was the last time he could get the touch and even though he shouldn't have been getting more, he didn't pull away.

„What? What are you talking about, Stevie?"Bucky sounded alarmed and tried to understand the latter's words.

„I love you, Bucky. You have to remember that forever. I love you." Steve repeated as if his whole life depended on it. „But I can't love you. I mustn't love you."

„Why?" Bucky asked.

„Because it's forbidden. And I can't love you when I'm not allowed to," Rogers explained, painful expression on his face.

„Why? That's ridiculous. If you love me and I love you, whose permission do we need?" Bucky reeled a strand of Steve's hair on his finger to calm himself down.

„But it's the law. We can't break a law." Steve said weakly.

„I don't care. Laws are supposed to make good and guard people. If we love each other and we know we would be happy together, why does anybody take this away from us. Whom does our love harm?" Bucky asked passionately. He stood up to feel more superior as if it could win this arguement.

„I don't know." Steve whispered. He looked down on his hands, now empty and cold. „But if it is the law, I will not break it."

„I can't believe it. Do you realise what you said?" Bucky crossed his arms on his chest angrily.

„I do. Very much. But I can't do it. If it is forbidden by the law, I can't do it, no matter how much I want."

„Nobody has to find out. It can be our secret. There are men who are together and they're happy." Bucky made one last desperate attempt, but he knew he couldn't break Steve. Nothing was as strong as Steve's sense of order and belief that rules were everything.

„I don't want to love you when I'm not allowed to, Bucky. I can't. If I can't have you fully, I don't want just a part of you." Steve reasoned and reached for his shirt. He got dressed quickly and stood up, still feeling a bit dizzy.

„I don't know if I love you or hate you for saying that." Bucky muttered.

„You can figure that out now. Thanks for helping me. Good bye, Bucky." Steve said and left Bucky's flat without further word or gesture. And he felt like he left part of himself inside.


	2. Chapter 2

Steve's life was quite dull since the evening in Bucky's appartement. He'd never realised how much he relied on Bucky to keep him company, but now, when they didn't spend time together, he was feeling desperately lonely. He hoped he'd just been having a weird dream and he could come to Bucky's place again and everything would be alright. But he feared it was all true. He was going to work and he watched the events in Europre with increasing worry. And he felt lonely, left-out and desperate. And then, one day he walked home, gazed down on the pavement beneath his feet and he was so concentrated on his thoughts that he crashed into someone. He mumbled a quick apology and wanted to continue, but the person took his arm and made him raise his eyes. When his sight met Bucky's eyes, he yelped in surprise and blushed. His friend let go of him as soon as he had his attention and Steve moved farther from Bucky awkwardly.

„Hey, buddy," Bucky gave him a lopsided smile, „fancy a walk with me?"

Steve wanted to say no. He knew he probably should say no if he wanted to keep pretending Bucky didn't exist. But he couldn't stand carrying on with his life for the dull, blank surviving. He wanted to live and Bucky had taught him how.

„Sure," he replied. Bucky led him through familiar places, keeping conversation nice and easy, carefully avoiding anything that might cause a disagreement. Steve could be nothing but grateful and he was happy to have his Bucky back. Though, he couldn't look at him with the same eyes again as a man who once wore glasses wouldn't see well without them. Now, when Steve felt them, he wanted Bucky's kisses, touches and love and he wanted them with his heart as well as his body. All the moments he was thinking about how Bucky's skin felt under his fingers, how he drew their lips together. From time to time, they caught themselves staring at each other and Steve knew they were thinking about the same thing – how everything could be different if they could love each other.

„So, good night, Steve. It was a nice evening," Bucky smiled and dimples created in his cheeks, right above the corners of his mouth. Steve wanted to kiss everly inch of his face.

„Yeah, you too, Bucky." The smaller man replied and tried to hide his shaking hands.

„Will I see you tomorrow?" Bucky asked and tried to sound as if he wasn't pleading.

„Of course," Steve nodded, „you know, I'd love to see you anytime."

„So good night," Bucky repeated and Steve chuckled nervously. _And now we would kiss clumsily,_ Steve thought with certain ammount of remorse.

„Good night," he answered and opened the door of the house he lived in and sneaked inside before he could lose ability to differ what he wanted from what was right. He slammed the door closed a bit too eagerly and left Bucky standing in front of his house. He climbed the stairs to his flat and ran to the bathroom to wash his face and calm down. When he did so, he went to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. He stood in front of the window and looked outside.

It was completely dark out there, it was one of those chilly evenings that simply get under the collar of your coat, beneath your sweater and freezes you, no matter how warm your clothes are. Steve watched the hoarfrost on the lower part of the window and ran his finger from one side to another and watched the cold water form into droplets and fall down on the windowsill. He pressed his forehead against the cold glass and closed his eyes for a while, recalling the past hour with Bucky. He couldn't deny he wanted to forget who they were and where they were, he wanted to get what he knew belonged to him and yet there was nothing to do about it. He could only accept that everything had its price and Bucky's love was something he simply couldn't pay for.

In the meantime, Bucky was standing at the very door Steve had used to get into the house and his brain was desperately trying to find an excuse for pressing the ring button. He didn't forget to give anything to Steve, he didn't need to tell him anything. He just wanted to see him, take him into his arms and love him, but that was exactly what Steve forbid him to do. And he had to respect it.

„Steve, this is Gemma, Gemma, this is Steve, my best buddy," Bucky grinned and waved his arm between Steve and a tall, auburn-haired girl with a long nose and big grey eyes. Steve smiled at her and offered her his hand which she took and shook only to pull it away from his reach immediately. Bucky offered her his right arm and she got hold of it with giggle. Steve sighed and went after his best friend and the girl. He had lost count of Bucky's girlfriends long ago. He couldn't prove it, but he felt like Bucky was doing it on purpose, as if he was watching Steve's every movement, waiting for him to break down and finally embrace his true feelings. Steve thought it was unusually cruel and selfish of Bucky to do that and he wished he could just stop feeling hurt because of it. He wanted to hate Bucky, he wanted to say he didn't care about the row of girls that had been left behind his friend, but that would be a lie. He loved the Bucky he'd known before everything went wrong and he couldn't accept the fact that the man was long gone. He hoped that maybe if he proved Bucky he didn't care, if he didn't show his pain, the girls would leave and everything would be alright. Unfortunately for this theory, Steve was well aware of the fact that this was too far beyond the point of no return. He'd hurt Bucky's pride and this was his way to show Steve he would do anything to get his confidence back.

The only thing Rogers wanted was to turn back time and get his old friend back without all the tension, all the unspoken words and all the pretending. He longed for the simple friendship without boundaries or restraint. He wished he could look Bucky in the eye and not see a calculating wicked man who was trying hard to make him pay for something Steve couldn't influence. He wished he could believe all the girls were really Bucky's interests and not just tools in his plan for revenge. And most of all he wanted back the friend who had been helping him after he got into a fight because he didn't dare to come to Bucky's place anymore. He sewed his cuts, washed his scratches and sealed his wounds and fell asleep curled on his couch with streaks of tears on his cheeks.

„Hey, Steve, come on," Bucky shouted. Steve raised his head and caught up on his friend and Gemma who was now almost hanging on Bucky's shoulder. Steve felt sick suddenly.

„We've changed plans a bit, we're gonna go dancing, I hope you're coming too," Bucky gave Steve an innocent smile and Rogers just gaped. Bucky was really going to do anything to tear him into pieces. He knew Steve hated dancing and yet he gave him absolutely no opportunity to object. What was he trying to achieve? Steve put on an unconvincing smile and nodded, unable to say anything. He was too bemused to say anything, he couldn't belive Bucky had gone this far.

„Excellent," Bucky exclaimed merrily and bowed to the girl who giggled again. Steve hated the sound even more than he thought was possible. „so let's go, m'lady."

Steve watched the pair with increasing feeling of annoyance and hurt. They walked like they were alone, Bucky paid Steve absolutely no attention and if the girl saw through the haze of Bucky's flirting, she certainly didn't notice Steve.

They entered a club and Steve felt nauseous immediately. He hated crowded spaces, he hated dancing and he hated being left-out. Bucky dragged Gemma onto the dancing floor and Steve lost them from his sight immediately. He knew better than to try to find a partner for dancing. He was too clumsy and short to be successful. He stood there, leant against a wall and wished he could be someone else. Whoever.

He thought about getting drunk, but he didn't have enough money with him for that. Just when an idea of leaving appeared in his mind, Bucky emerge from the middle of nowhere and threw himself against the wall beside Steve.

„Enjoying yourself?" Bucky asked and Steve bit his lip. Bucky knew he wasn't having fun. Why was he doing it?

„Where's Gemma?" Steve asked instead of an answer and searched for the girl in the crowd.

„She met some friend of hers," Bucky shrugged and threw his head aback. Steve watched his strong neck covered in sweat and tried not to think too much about kissing it.

„Why are you doing this, Bucky?" Steve asked suddenly, unable to hold the question back. He couldn't stand it any longer; his ignorance was driving him insane. Bucky stopped staring at the ceiling and turned to face Steve. They watched each other and in the dim light Bucky's face was eerie and yet very attractive. Steve felt like his friend was looking gorgeous on purpose, only to make Steve feel worse.

„Doing what?" Bucky asked and didn't even try to sound innocent.

„Pretending I am nothing. You act as if you don't care about me at all. Fine, I get it. I can live without people." Steve knew he was lying. He could live without people, but he couldn't live without Bucky, the only living person who mattered to him. „But if you don't like me, just tell me. Don't drag me everywhere just because you pity me. "

„I don't pity you, Steve. I've never pitied you. You deserve me than that." Bucky replied and looked into Steve's eyes. "You deserve more than play-acting and lies."

Steve wanted to say something, wanted to object but he knew Bucky had said that sentence on purpose. He'd said it to prove Steve was wrong.

"Please, don't do this to me." Steve whispered.

"Why? Because you know I am right?" Bucky cornered him and made two small steps in front of Steve so now they stood facing each other directly and very close.

"I've told you I couldn't do it. What makes you believe I changed my mind?" Steve asked and challenged Bucky to question him.

"You haven't changed your mind," Bucky murmured alluringly, "no. You've always wanted me and I just showed you how much you want me. You don't want to share. You hated every single one of the girls I introduced you to even though some of them were really nice."

"That's not true," Steve objected weakly.

"You're lying right now and you don't even try to deny it." Bucky pointed out. "You're jealous, Steve."

They stared at each other and breathed so fast they could hear the other's chest rise and fall. Bucky checked their surroundings and found no one watching them. He smirked at Steve and leant closer to him. He kissed the shorter man roughly on the lips and moved his mouth towards Steve's ear, leaving a wet trace behind. Steve froze at the spot and just closed his eyes.

"You want me. Here," Bucky pressed one finger against Steve's forehead, "and here," he moved his hand onto the left half of Steve's chest, "and here as well." Bucky let his palm fall lower and he left warmth on Steve's chest and stomach. He rested on Steve's abdomen for a while before reaching even further. He pulled at Steve's pants and covered Steve's crotch for some time before pulling away.

"And I could let that happen, Steve. I could make us be real." Bucky whispered once more before he withdrew; he'd already risked enough. Steve was shivering and he could still feel Bucky's fingers on his body, especially the part nobody but Steve had touched before. He hesitated for some time. Bucky was so attractive, it would be so easy to give up. It must have been the right thing to do when it felt so right.

"I-I don't know. It's not right." Steve murmured silently and his voice was shaking with sobs that threatened to escape his throat. Why was he resisting? He wanted Bucky, he wanted him with all his heart and yet he was turning him down.

"Steve, look at me," Bucky whispered gently. There was no sign of the cruel and cocky man that had taken Steve to dance. This was Bucky, his Bucky, the Bucky who loved him and whom Steve loved. "Look at me and tell me what do you want."

Steve gazed at Bucky in trance and shoved his hands behind his back to hide the tremor in them. Bucky was smiling gently, but his eyes were urgent. They were nagging Steve to say something, to express his thoughts, but he could not. There were so many things that attempted to escape his trembling lips, but he held them back. He knew what he would say in the darkness of this club when Bucky was so beautiful and he was so weak.

"Come with me." Bucky grabbed Steve's lips and dragged him out of the club. Steve's mind was too clouded to care about it. He let Bucky lead him into a small dark courtyard. Steve wondered whether he had been in a fight there or not. "Nobody can see you but me now. Look into my eyes and tell me you don't want me. Do it and I promise to never ask again."

Steve stared with his eyes widened. The conflict within him was visible in his posture and face and Bucky knew what the answer would be. Not no, because Steve had never been able to say no to him. But it was more than obvious that the answer won't be a yes either. Steve stepped back and hit the wall behind him with his back.

"I can't think. I want you, Bucky. I love you." Steve babbled hastily, "But I can't love you."

"You can. It's simple." Bucky sounded very desperate.

"It's everything but simple. If I gave you what you ask for, I wouldn't only destroy myself, but you as well. If we got caught-"

"But we wouldn't." Bucky snapped. "Do you think we're the only ones? There are places for people like us. I could introduce you to some of my friends who were there. Why can't you accept it's not impossible to love each other?"

"Maybe it is possible, but it is still against the law. It's possible to kill a man and not get imprisoned and does it mean it's not against the law?" Steve asked with resolution.

"But killing a man is wrong. It's against morals but there's nothing against morality in my love for you. My love is pure." Bucky was determined not to give up.

"And if you kill a man who's killed thousands, would it be immoral? No, but it will still be a murder." Steve remarked and his eyes glistened. "If your love is pure why did you let me suffer? Why did you force me to watch you flirt with all the women?"

"It was to make you-"

"Yes, to make me see how much I want you. But that is the problem. You tried to make me." Steve cut him off. "If you really loved me, you would understand and respect my opinion. But you don't love me, Bucky. You want me, you want my body and you like to talk to me. But that's not everything. You have to accept who I am and what I believe in. If you loved me, you wouldn't press me to tell you, you would wait for me to want you as well."

"But I..." Bucky's voice broke. Steve had to look away because seeing his friend like that hurt him more than anything else. But he was sure about the words he'd said and he wasn't going to take them back.

"I'm sorry," Steve murmured, "but I can't give you my love when you're not prepared to give yours back."

"I do love you," Bucky cried.

"I'm sure you think so. But you're not sure yourself. I cannot risk your life and freedom for something you are not sure about. Good night," Steve freed himself and left before he could change his mind. Once from Bucky's sight, he began to run and he felt hot tears streaming down his face. He was sure he had done the right thing but if he had, why did it hurt so much?

Steve sobbed harshly and sniffed loudly as he ran. He tried to slow down, but running felt better. He was trying to flee from his thoughts and when he ran, he couldn't think. Cold air was filling his lungs and his chest hurt. He knew he wasn't going to last much longer, his astma was slowly creeping back to take over him, but he didn't stop. He couldn't care less about what would happen to him. Nothing mattered when he'd lost Bucky forever.


End file.
